I love my kids so much, they are my whole world. I wanted them for as long as I could remember, I always knew that I wanted to be a Mom. I just never imagined raising them in a broken home & alone. I feel like the worldly stuff, the anger, the hurt, the stress, the financial burden, the being tired has at times caused me to be the Mom I never wanted to be. The kind that yelled, and shamed my own children for the sin of another, unable to control my irrational behavior, the sad Mom who just didn't want to deal with the situation, the one who cried in the bathroom, cried at night, tried to hide the pain by pushing it down deeper & deeper every day, the one with the brave front and the smile to fool a stranger. Don't get me wrong I am not claiming to be a bad Mom, I am claiming that I had moments so far in motherhood that I am not proud of, moments I want to forget however the 'New' me is telling myself to feel the pain, to face it to own up to wrong way I parented so that I can learn from it, and try my best Every day to be a better parent. To be the best parent aside from my environment. Yes I may have a bad day, or a headache or worried about the bills but those are NOT my children's worries, and they don't deserve to be on the other end of my frustration. I want to teach them, I want them to learn from there mistakes, try there best, admit when they are wrong and so much more. In order to do that I need to remember that they are still kids, that growing is a process, it doesn't happen over night.
I want to parent, so that I am teaching them not throwing stones at them. It is not my job to judge them, it is my job to teach them right from wrong and explain to them what is expected, how God would want us to live. I read a few articles today that I am sure I was meant to read the first one was about telling the little nagging voice in your head to GO AWAY, that they aren't welcome. To remind myself that I too am human, I mess up, I have bad days, I have done wrong, but most importantly I have been forgiven and I get to try again to do better. That I am one person meaning I can only do so much, I cant do and be everything I want and I am learning to be okay with that, I am believer in seasons and right now I am being a Mom, a better Mom, a forgiving Mom, a Praying Mom, a Mom that is excited to see what is in store for my little family. I am reminded often how blessed I am, to have two amazing, healthy, smart, loving kids and boy do they love me, I needed to hear myself say that, They Love Me! They look up to me, the see the strength that I don't see at times, they are proud of me, and I of them. Being a parent is hard, every single child is different every single child is special, and as a parent you know your child better than anyone else in the world. I love them so much, I want to protect them, guide them, fix things, help them, laugh with them, play with them and be with them,
This brings me to the next article I read, about parenting with Mercy. The word Mercy means to show Compassion or forgiveness towards someone whom it is within ones power to punish or harm. This gave me chills, this made me think about how to parent, the made me think about how to speak to them, the tone in my voice, the look on my face while talking to them. I was shown earlier in the week that the word 'Compass' is in the word Compassion, compass being something that we use to find our way. I needed to be reminding in the direction I was going to handle this parenting of a preteen the changes the stress the hormones it had been weighing on me and I had begun to pray for guidance for more strength for I was feeling weak. Caleb is learning about maps, direction and the compass this week in school, as I helped him review for a test using this word so many times it didn't hit me until we had a rough last hour of the night. The kids both got into trouble for not being honest, and one got in trouble in school and didn't tell me. Needless to say my reaction wasn't pleasant and everyone went to bed in tears, myself included. I felt defeated I felt angry that I had to do it alone, I felt sad, a good friend reminded me that I am human, that in the morning I could said I'm sorry, I could hug them and I could remind them that today is a new day and that is just what I did.
After I dropped them to school I rolled the window down a bit enjoyed the breeze on my face, drank my coffee and soaked in the start of a new day. I was reminded through the Parenting with Mercy article to do just that, to not call it a time out chair to call it the Mercy chair, to have my child reflect on why they were there but most importantly to reflect with them, to take that moment to teach them, to forgive them and to restore order and peace in our home and our hearts. I don't want them going to bed upset with me anymore I want us going to bed at PEACE as a family. Being a parent is hard, finding balances for protecting, allowing failure, teaching them to work through fears, loving them so hard and most importantly forgiving them and showing them how to be compassionate and how to receive compassion and somewhere along the way there I believe that your own compass leads you to exactly where you are supposed to be. No matter what is going on in your life remember that your kids still deserve the best of you, also remember we all make mistakes we all do things we are not proud of we all get to be forgiven and start again. Where is your compass leading you? Remember that the road you are on right now doesn't mean its the road to your final destination.
Xo,
KB
