Facing my fear

Facing my fears I know sounds a little cliche but its the truth, I am not talking about the heights, bugs or snakes I am talking about real life. I am talking about facing yourself in the mirror at 6am with no make up on, messy hair, black circles under your eyes kind of looking in the mirror. Being able to face your past, your fears, your darkest places and be able to keep loving yourself. It started at a young age for me I liked helping other people, it was easier than focusing on my own issues. The older I got I continued to look for reasons to not focus on myself or better myself. I didn't want to face myself. I have spent my 30's looking back, soul searching, searching reasons, searching for clarity, searching for a way to love myself. Not in a cheesy I am pretty sort of way but in the raw, really LOVE myself. Love who I am, love what I have to offer someone else, love myself as a mother and for me learning to LOVE someone else without the fear of being hurt or not loved back.

I spent the better part of my young adult life raising two babies on my own, struggling to fit, trying to be someone I wasn't in order for some guy to love me who I would later learn didn't deserve my love. I spent time believing his lies, believing that I wasn't enough, believing I was just some fat girl who no one would ever love. That is as real life as it gets for me. In those times of sadness & anger I did things, I said things I made awful choices. Choices I am not proud of but they were mine and I have owned them. They are my past they don't define me. I am pretty sure everyone wants to be loved, every girl dreams of a fairytale prince someone that loves her, dotes on her, adores her and would do anything for her. Again cliche I know, but real. I have thrown myself into motherhood, I know that I am a good Mom, I know my kids are loved and taken care of and I do the homework, projects, car pool, school functions, sports, ect and I love it, all but maybe the homework :) The point I am making is that I wonder if my fear of wanting or looking for love has not only hurt me but my kids as well. I never allowed anyone else to get close to them due to my own fear. I question is it too late for them to except someone in my life and in their lives. I never let anyone in to help me raise them, or teach them, I never had a partner in this journey. I wonder if this is just another fear ridden excuse. I want to find my best friend, someone to laugh with, someone to cuddle, someone to enjoy family time with. And I trust that time will come for me. I can no longer doubt myself, I can no longer believe the hurtful lies of another, I can no longer live in fear.

I am however going to make an effort to be happy, smile more, take chances and love my life.

I am going to be grateful for all the blessing I have. I am going to enjoy motherhood, I am going to try laughing when I feel like crying, I am going to fight for what I want, I am going to leave my Past in the PAST! I am going to try new things, take risks and live my life. I am tired of being sad, I am tired of feeling sorry for myself.

I am going to remind myself of this everyday:

I am amazing, unique and beautiful! I need nothing else in order to be happy. I am perfect just the way I am, yes I am imperfectly perfect. So I am going to smile, love and enjoy every moment of my life. I am going to remember to dance in the rain and not wait for the storm to end, I am going love my imperfections, I am going believe that anything is possible. I am going to remind myself I am much STRONGER than I think, remind myself that its not the mountain we conquer its ourselves. And most importantly that everyday may not be good, but there is something good in everyday.

Looking in the mirror at 6am with no make up on, & messy hair has gotten a little easier for me, I would be lying if I said I loved what I saw but I am certainly smiling back at her more than before. The life we live is a journey, it has many chapters and characters some that are around longer than others. Growing up means knowing when to end a chapter that you have held onto for so long, letting go of the shield, tearing down the walls you built for protection and really start living the life you were meant to live. So here is to a new chapter in my story, whether I find true love or not will remain to be seen, however I know this chapter includes loving myself, letting go of the past, trying new things and being happy.

Xo,

KB